I spent last night sleeping on the sofa and waking up several times, always worrying that I was going to be late for my physio appointment.
Eventually, it’s 6.40AM, and though I’m tempted to try and steal another 20 minutes before my alarm goes off at 7, I force myself up and go to make tea.
Whilst tea is brewing, I check in with Sam and have a few minutes with her.
She’s still feeling rotten and goes back to sleep.
6.50AM – TRY TO WAKE UP
I spend much of the next 20 – 30 minutes in something of a stupor, wandering around the flat in a daze and trying to wake up.
I sit at the laptop but nothing done.
I start to put my jogging pants on but then stop when I get only one leg on and then just stare into space for a bit.
I’m determined to not let depression ruin my day but my depression seems more determined to do just that.
7.20AM – BRUSH TEETH, TAKE MEDS, GET DRESSED
Simple, straight forward stuff becomes a chore when I get into a mood like this. Things become hard work and I struggle, but I manage to get my shit together and in 15 minutes I’m ready to go.
7.37AM – CYCLE TO PHYSIO APPOINTMENT
The cycle ride actually does me some good this morning, and even though I’m still tired, by the time I get to the hospital, I feel like I’m looking forward to my appointment.
8AM – PHYSIO APPOINTMENT
I explain to my physio guy that the doctor gave me painkillers but doesn’t want to do blood tests again since they’ve already been done.
He seems OK with that.
Today he has me take my shirt off, lie on my stomach on the bed, and let him do a soft tissue massage on me.
At times this hurts like hell, especially when he runs over certain parts of my back. At other times, it feels like just exactly what I need.
What does surprise me is how short the appointment is. It’s only about 20 minutes long. I don’t know why, but I expected this might last an hour or something.
8.24AM – CYCLE INTO TOWN FOR COFFEE
I could go straight home, but I need to buy a new pair of jeans because none of the ones I own fit me any more.
The shops don’t open for another half hour, so I cycle the few minutes back into town to get a coffee.
I want to go to the new place where I went to on Saturday, but they’re closed, so it’s off to Costa for a mocha latte.
Whilst I’m the coffee shop I work on a new blog post for my portfolio, then get up and go shopping.
9.04AM – SHOPPING
I spend about an hour looking round different shops and eventually just buy one pair of size 34 jeans which are still just a bit too small.
I also treat myself to a McDonalds Breakfast.
10.34AM – CYCLE HOME
It’s getting cold and windy, so I’m glad to be getting home before the weather gets worse.
All in all today, I’ve cycled 6.23 miles.
10.58AM – TIME WASTED
I’d love to tell you that I did something productive when I got home, but basically I just sat in front of the computer trying to figure out what to do with my day.
The lurking depression that had been temporarily lifted was back with a vengeance and I didn’t know what to do. So, after an hour of just going insane, I opted to just go back to sleep for a bit.
11.57AM – NAP
I slept long and hard for about two hours until I’m woken up by a bad dream about somebody from my past.
That dream follows me as I wake and follows me around the house.
In the dream, the guy had the upper hand on me, so I went to punch him out by was too slow and felt resistance. So he just moved out of the way.
Realising I wasn’t going to get the better of him, I tried to make peace, but he wouldn’t have that either because it was better for him to know that he had the power and was beating me.
I’m sure there’s something in that.
2.21PM – WORK
I’ve got just one job that I want to get through today, and though it should be a relatively simple one, it’s been a good couple of months since I’ve worked for this client and I’m weirdly nervous about how to get started.
So I take the old approach of opening a notebook and drafting 90% of the article to get my brain flowing, then take to the laptop to type that stuff up, pick up where I left off and get the whole thing finished.
It takes a while, but I think I’ve done a decent enough job. I send that one to the client and consider it done.
Whilst i’m doing this, I get a few messages from Sam as she’s recovering.
5.11PM – DINNER AND HOBBY BLOG
I end up not particularly hungry – more just completely exhausted – so I make three pieces of cheese on toast and then sit down to start working on a new post for my hobby blog.
I feel fatigue and low mood battling me throughout, so I really struggle to get going, but I at least get something done.
6.07PM – WRITE PORTFOLIO BLOG
Even though I’m still tired and still not in a perfect mood, I get one and a half blog posts finished off. My mood seems to lift a little whilst I’m doing these, but it still feels like a chore.
8.26PM – PLAY COMPUTER GAMES
By this point I’ve just about given up. I haven’t heard much from Sam apart from the occasional message, and I just can’t seem to lift my mood today, so I fire up my old –very old- Playstation 2 and play Legends of Wrestling, with the idea that I can write about this on my hobby blog in the near future.
It is truly just a terrible, terrible game, but for some reason I feel oddly compelled to stick with it, so I do for hours and hours, until around 11.30PM when Sam wakes up from her long rest.
12 MIDNIGHT – BRIEF TIME WITH SAM
When I say brief, I mean like half an hour, but it’s so good just to be close to her and have some time.
Eventually, I’m exhausted and go to bed some time around 1240AM
REFLECTIONS ON TODAY
Long, tiring and an endless fight with depression instead of just letting it wash over me. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it is what happened.
Sam is going to be OK, and we are too. I’m just glad her hospital visit wasn’t too much an ordeal and she’s home safe.
Tomorrow is another day.